I'm hurt, devastated, betrayed... I felt unjust, wrong, sickened.. and the most stupid thing was I'm fighting inside to find solace that the people who did this is after all human and I should forgive their flaws...
My demons have completely taken over me - the picture that I fought so hard to achieve, the kind of future that I worked my arse off - are really disillusioned. I can't blamed the environment, I can't blame how she feels, I can't blame anything and that's the most frustrating part. It will be so easy to put a blame on someone or something so I could be more specific to where I should place my attention on.
Really.. there is no other better words that lost here.. I'm angry, pissed, enraged.. I felt like going on a rampage but this stubborn mind would like to settle for a long break and settle this heart that has endlessly face abused.
The tears just kept on dwelling. I know my current actions will only hurt those whom I care for more but I can't helped it. I need to be at the stage where I can think more clearly. I reasoned myself hard what have I been living my life for. Someone asked me what kind of legacy would I want to live behind - I never thought much about it because I don't see why I have to live for the memories of others. It's mine to keep.
"If you are stuck in a desert, will you be disappointed when the dark clouds you see and the howling wind you hear bring no rain? Is the disappointment no less when someone you trust does not do what is promised?"
It's all about expectations and perception - coloured by emotions. Who are you to say you did the right things by sharing?! Who are you to judge when things are not exemplified or proven? What kind of human are you if the major part of your life is to care about what other people think of you or that you are so busy sharing your opinions thinking it's the benefit of others?
Even if I hear what other people say about you - I kept my stand - I don't spread the hearsay and I just shared that it's none of their business to say that of the colleagues around. You don't have to like me - that I'm not asking - but you don't go around making your opinions or judgement saying why would she even want to go out with me!
Don't likened your sense of justice to that of good morals, values or principles - respect your space - respect yourself! If people make you feel like god - don't even think for a second you are one! If people make you feel you are a villain - don't even for a second you believe that! Who you are, you will always be searching.
"...integrity one of the six essential qualities that are the key to success. The other five are sincerity, humility, courtesy, wisdom and charity."
Know what?! You are not even closed to embody the above mentioned! Even then I don't find the situation(s) where I feel I should make any judgement and share my opinions.
It is said we can practise integrity through the simple acts of...
Doing what we say we will do: This is a common definition of integrity and a basic practice. It includes keeping even the smallest of promises, meeting deadlines and starting classes on time. - Did you?!
Doing the right thing: With the awareness of what is right comes the obligation of right action. That means upholding our belief and values even when we are feeling stressed or pressurised. However, integrity is not simply standing by our own ideals just to be rigid. It is also not saying whatever is on our mind and hurt other people if our intention is to show that we are more superior than them. Integrity is about honesty and inspiring others. - At this stage, I'm incline to think you are of such!
Taking responsibility for our actions: We must acknowledge our responsibility for every one of our actions. Do not blame other people or other factors. When we see something that we don’t like, we take responsibility to change or accept it openly. - If you don't have the moral courage, don't pretend you have by sharing other people's back!
Treating others with respect: We should treat others with respect even though they may not live up to our expectations. We must not disclose the information to other people without the permission of the others. It would be difficult for them to open up and discuss their problems freely with us if we cannot gain their trust and respect. Also, we should not talk or do something behind others’ back. - Hah, the truth of it all!
Back off!!
