This would be by far the darkest entry I would find myself the courage to pen it down.. At many point of this month, I had wished I would die and you know - just let the world be.. I know I was different or strange to a fault but the age old question of "what's wrong with that?" seems to hit me harder and harder.. It wasn't just ".. it's okay to be who you are.." that had eluded me on the sly, but the mere question of my purpose in this world and in this life made me wonder - was I a mistake to be born on this earth? Am I such a loathe that my thinking which is not the traditional cookie mould method; gets in every step of people's way? What's wrong with having character?
I do not expect you to understand every bit of me; never do I expect you to succumb to my needs or wants.. All I ask is to be treated with the same level of respect that I would put aside for you in the first place; without judging; without prejudice and in all fairness.. A difficult feat for mere mortals!
I'm tired - really.. Of facing against the norm that tried so hard to drown me in their "wisdoms", opinions, feedbacks etc.. I've been swimming in the rage for far too long.. I should have thought of just letting myself be drown and be spared from the incessant pain, turmoils and despair.. I should have drop my ideals and let go of any hopes and dreams.. The world is no longer a safe haven - it never was, it wasn't meant to be..
What I had now is disgust, shame, deluded, anger, revenge, hatred.. But above all, the compassion is still strong.. A stupid fool I have been.. Always subject himself to be different yet at the same time, don't have the hardened heart to disappoint the others.. It seems the way I lived my life is based on people's expectations.. Forget about affirmation which by far and wide, it is not the world's or anybody strength but of all, listen.. You have a goddamn pair of ears whose primary function is to listen but god knows what you did with that gift.. Maybe I have a part to play but I pride myself to at least register the other party views first for I practised what matters to me.. But that action is simply pushed aside!
In my mind, thoughts run amok and dangeously changed me.. What gave you the right to undermined me; to say that you or yours are better? or that I'm stubborn with my ideals and principles/ values? The very least I know what motivated me and who matters.. I would have kill you at the slightest chance if my heart was that of an assassin... I would have blast your head off beyond recognition if I got gifts of a mutant.. I would have placed a deadly curse that spans beyond your descendants if I had the calibre of a witch/ warlord!
It is without doubt that my heart survives all this silence and emotional battles through sheer miracles or rather plainly put; when I'm alone and shutting myself off from all this wordly affairs.. I've care too much that it begin to eat into my faith and destroying it.. I've misplaced my trust again.. I've shed enough tears that are not worthy of anybody.. I have enough of people who claimed they are standing by me and support me for who I am..
Bullshit! A whole lot of crap!.. Are you without sin? What gave you the rights to give feedback in the pretence of being my friend?! What makes you think that feedbacks are damned welcome and serve a greater purpose? Please, take it I'm pleading.. Look into the mirror yourself.. The very reason why I am careful with my feedbacks or observations was because humanity is beautiful in the various state of imperfections. Yes, we can strive to improve on our blindspots in hope that we can make our life better or that we can wield positive influences around.. And if we don't? Should we octracised them?
It is not as though a question of morality which by the way were decided by blokes of eons ago who may not even have the sufficient knowledge or understanding why certain things are wrong in the first place... I care too much.. I have hope too high.. It's time for me to revert to my selish self.. The person that have successfully block me from all pains and destructive emotions.. Who in my opinion never left me all alone by my side, who is there to nurse me and support me unconditionally.. He will care for me the much needed remedy/ medicine/ treatment that I need now.. more than ever..
On top of all this, I have make a pledge.. a first in my life.. To let selfish in my life longer and let it consumed me as it should.. Happiness can parked itself in the sorry slot..
